I'm not looking for nitpicks, but opinions on the 'big picture'. Have fun reading! ^^
----
I had managed to get through the enormity of the day without incident, thankfully. Now, as I walked to biology, a sense of foreboding hung in the air--
Brushing it away, I stepped inside the small classroom, hoping not to make of fool of myself in front of all the other students. Everything seemed to be going fine until I saw who my partner was, and my heart only just managed to keep beating.
Edward Cullen!
Eyes flitting away from his perfect form, I shifted them to the seat I would be occupying, struggling to breathe normally.
Don't do anything stupid, Bella, I thought desperately. At least if I do, it won't make too much of a difference. No one like him would notice me, anyway.
"Alright, class is starting, everyone! Quiet, please," The teacher requested - I hadn't caught his name, too absorbed with not letting my eyes wander anyplace in my partner's direction. "Now, to begin, the--"
"Excuse me, sir," A wonderful voice to my right breathed, full of respect and flawless precision.
The middle-aged man glanced up, looking just slightly put out by the interruption.
"Yes, Mr. Cullen?"
"I'd like to speak with my partner outside -- it won't take more than a moment."
If Edward had said it any other way, I was sure our teacher would have denied him this favor, but as it was...
"Yes, of course. Make sure to keep close-by - I'd rather not have students of mine wandering the campus," he warned, seeming to slur his words compared to the boy I sat next to.
"Thank you, sir - we'll be right back."
What can he want with me? I wondered, sifting the fantasies away as I stood, and wobbling slightly before turning to follow Edward out of the room. People stared as we passed, especially the girls. They, I saw with something dangerously close to satisfaction, looked on enviously.
He opened the door, holding it for me with a quiet smile - mockingly? It was hard to tell.
"Thanks," I mumbled lamely, sure the other students was laughing silently from behind.
"Sure."
Hoping he would just say whatever it was and be done, so that I could scurry back inside, I leaned against a faded white wall just outside. Edward sighed, looking me straight in the eye as our classroom door thumped shut. Something seemed - wrong about this, but I wasn't confident that I'd be able to figure it out.
Suddenly, those frighteningly dark brown eyes lit up, and he offered a hand to me.
"I have something to show you - it's in the woods by your house, actually. Come on, it's very interesting."
For some reason, instead of being stunned, I quickly weighed the possibilities. Could he be serious?
Mentally, I shook my head at the idea. Whatever this was about, I had to refuse. What would Charlie say about me ditching on my first day of school?
"But... I can't just leave. We could get detention!"
I loved saying 'we' instead of 'I', as if the two of us were part of the same club. It was a pathetic connection, but for now, I didn't mind.
"Don't worry. I can drive - it's not like you're that far away from school. I'll think up a good excuse - is it likely you could break or sprain something out here in the hall?"
He sounded amused, as if the idea wasn't a likely one.
I knew different.
"Easy," I said, smiling abruptly. Desperate for this one chance to be with him, I forced myself to forget Charlie; and everything else.
"Then, come on!"
I took his hand, not caring much that it was cold and hard - muscles and a cold day could cause that, right? I assured myself it was nothing out of the ordinary.
"Just around this building -- no, no one's around, see? I told you we wouldn't get caught."
We were in the parking lot faster than I thought possible, standing beside a sleek silver Volvo. I knew very little about cars, but somehow I knew this one couldn't have been cheap.
"Don't worry, she's fast. We'll be there and back like lightning!" He laughed, voice almost supernaturally beautiful.
What had I done so right? As he swung the door open for me, I decided it must just be a prank.
Then I'll enjoy it while it lasts, I thought determinedly. As we pulled away from the curb, I started to tell him a little about Charlie and my first impressions of the school. Somehow, it seemed impossible to be shy in front of the flawless boy.
"I hope you like it here in Forks, Isabella. It really is a nice place, once you get used to the cold and fog."
He winked and smiled crookedly, and somehow I knew he could hear my heart speeding up again. But just as I started to wonder what this could really be about, he parked the car at the fringes of a startlingly green forest, practically jumping out with excitement.
"Here, it's just a little bit into the trees here. I know you'll love it, Bella."
I had quickly told him he could call me that, and my stomach lurched as his perfect voice caressed the name. For some reason, I hardly remembered getting out of the car, or the walk through the woods. It could've taken minutes or days, but the moment his hand grabbed mine, nothing else mattered. All worries seemed to flee as I felt his cold skin brushing my fingers.
"Almost there.. ah, here it is. Isn't this place beautiful?"
It was a green meadow, full of flowers and fresh dew. Even on this dark, cloudy day, the place was breathtaking. At any other time, as I shuffled into it through the fringe of trees, I probably would've made a complete fool of myself by tripping and falling - but with Edward leading me, that didn't seem possible.
"Here, sit down and listen..."
Awe filled my face as I did his bidding without question, closing my eyes as he settled beside me.
What I heard was, if you could put it simply, Nature herself. I easily forgot myself in the breeze, the birdsong, the swaying of the trees. The excitement I had so recently felt was replaced by peace, scents of calming quiet. I could hear mice scuttling through the underbrush, wing playfully ruffling the grass. It would've been easy to stay all day, to just mix silently with unquestioned happiness...
Something cold brushed my lips, and I soon realized how different Edward's plans were going to be.
No - way. This really must be a dream.
Eyes snapping open, my arms flew instinctively around his neck, clutching tufts of bronze hair with desperation. I knew I would wake up soon, but why worry? It was all so perfect...
Too perfect.
As his lips found their way down to my neck, I began to stutter random things, hoping to catch his attention. All of a sudden, everything about this supposed adventure seemed off, somehow.
"... As if that wasn't enough, she took away my favorite CD! Debussy, if I still remember right."
Of all things to be distracted by, this did it. He looked up, surprised, his intense eyes interested in the ending of this completely random story that had popped into my mind from a few years ago. Relief flooded through me, and I shrugged.
"Really? You like classical music, too? If only I could've taken you to my house first; I could've played a piece of his for you," he said, only slightly regretful of the way things had turned out. Before I could reply, he kissed me again. I tried not to respond at all, but it was impossibly hard. I wanted to; so badly.
And yet - I didn't like the way he'd said that, as if now, he wouldn't ever get a chance.
Not the best of implications.
His mouth was back at my throat, and I was just about to protest his behavior when--
"Thank you for coming so quietly, Bella. Really, thank you for coming to Forks. Since I know I never would've gone to Phoenix, and so never would have met you otherwise. It's almost sad, how a kind act could lead to such a selfish one... if I wasn't what I am, I might feel pity for Charlie, for you, for Renee."
Why? Sorry for what? He hasn't done anything, and he won't... will he?
"Edward," I whispered, as his lips slowly made it to what I knew was the main vein of my neck. Could this be happening? "Edward!"
"What, Bells?"
If it was distracting to have that coldness on my neck, his voice certainly didn't help clear my mind.
"Well, now that we've seen the meadow," -- and even now, being included in that 'we' seemed pleasurable -- "shouldn't we be getting back? Not that I haven't enjoyed this... adventure, but--"
"You're afraid I'll do something stupid, is that it?"
I could only nod, hoping not to offend the flawless man before me. Loosening the grip he had on my waist, Edward looked directly into my eyes, only this time - something burned in his own. Something too close to lust, to passion.
"Oh, you mustn't worry, Bella. When you've lived as long as I have - and, unfortunately, you never will - you learn to think things through. I've got my whole alibi figured out thoroughly."
I had messed up, and this time there was no second chance. Maybe it didn't matter why he wanted to end my life - no, it really didn't. And finally I realized that this was a blunder I wasn't going to recover from.
He gently tugged one of my hands from its place around his neck, causing them both to fall loose. Carefully picking it up from the grass, he took a deep breath of my skin.
"I can't resist this wine, child. I am no human, but a predator. Does the lion think of what family the lamb might have before he devours her?"
I could not answer, only tremble uncontrollably. The look on his face was so soft, and infinitely kind - but it was only a mask.
His mouth lowered back to my neck, and I took one last breath as he answered for me, as his fangs sank deep into my throat.
"No, child."
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Anyway, it took me a while to bring myself to click on this, but when I did... what a pleasant surprise. I liked the way Edward acted like a proper vampire, although to make this more realistic, he should have died the instant he stepped into the sun.
As you can see, I'm not one for long reviews.
lemme start off by saying good job on this it really makes you think "wow what if edward hadn't been brought up as a vegetarian vampire?" it was pretty cool. i love the whole series and this is an interesting piece go ahead and write more. Just remember it is best to have fun when you are writing something like this. If you enjoyed writing this then readers will most likely enjoy reading it.
If Edward had killed Bella at the beginning of the series like this, then I wouldn't have had to endure the rest of the book! If this is a parody, awesome! If not, it's still cool because Bella no longer bothers everyone.
Keep writing!
--Glim
Thanks for not riddling it with unncecessary details. We all know what he looks like after the books and the movies, and if not, there's something called Google, so there ya go. Bella, you nailed her character! Good job...only, with Bella dead, what happens to the rest of the plot?? Lol
Edward would never do that and spoiler bella does become a vampire
Hi TreeHugger12,#
I've read the Twilight Saga and I think that your version was very good, almost as good as the real thing apart the obvious fact that Bella becomes a vampire in the real thing and gets drained in your version, but I love it all the same.
Midnightread
Ahaha, that was certainly an interesting twist. Maybe you should have added in the detail that his eyes turn black when he's about to feed. Poor Charlie though, he's about to lose his only daughter. But then I don't think Edward would have excused her from a class like that, it would draw too much attention towards him and his family if she was murdered.
Hey, I used to LOVE the twilight series but after reading it like 30 times I realized how anti-climatic Breaking Dawn is and how corny the love scenes and actions scenes were. Bella was a naive idiot in my mind who acted as if Edward was her one and only dependant, can someone say pathetic? Sadly, this isn't very original actually. On fanficton.com I used to remember in my Twilight obsessed days I would find stories JUST LIKE THIS and comment on how jealous and pathetic the authors were. So not very original but it doesn't really matter, it's not like you could legally make money off this anyway so yeah.
I love/pity the first commenter, he just made me laugh yet I pitied that reviewer like how you would laugh at the nerd who was asked to prom by the head cheerleader in school just to find out when going to pick her up, she already left with the Quarterback of the football team.
ha, that was really good. I was expecting something more humerous originating from the word 'parody,' but I still liked it alot.
good use of description, and though you didn't quite capture Stephenie Meyer's writing technique, you made good use of your own. I liked the twist at the end, how he appeared less strong-willed then in the book.
Overall, great job.
I really liked all the twists in it. i also loved the kind of foreshadowing you give when you make Bella continually reassure that nothing is wrong. its as though she knows something is going to happen, but she doesn't want to believe it. Even at the very end, she savors the fact that she is with Edward. it makes it kind of sick and twisted, in a good way.
OMEE!!!! *fan girl squeal!* This was great. A couple of things though.
1. Edward never calls her "Bells"
2. Edward seemed a bit superficial. (i know, he is usually) But he lost some of the spark he had in the books.
3. Bella's character seemed to change too.
Sorry these are just things i picked up on. On the other hand, This was excellent. Well Done.
Haha. That was good. ^-^
I'm a lover of Twilight and was a little bit afraid to read, but I seriously liked it. The ending worked out really good and I thought it was smart to add the lion and the lamb.
Overall, I don't think I saw anything wrong, but I was really captivated by the story to pay attention. Sorry. It was a bit fast as some others said, but, overall, good job!
Haha! I do like it. I was reading it and kind of going "huh? This is just a silly rewrite!" So the ending really took me by surprise, it was fantastic!
As far as writing it self is concerned, you emulate Meyer very well even if you don't mean to, and you catch Bella in a very good light.
And yay! Evil Edward! Never liked that boy.
I'm not sure if you were looking for a ful review on this, I don't generally do fan fiction and it's a bit harder to critique than normal things. However, if you do, give me a shout, okay dear?
Loved it!
-Stel x
Wow! This was really great!
I'm a sucker for Twilight, and I honestly loved this!
I guess I should give some constructive criticism, but I never seem to be able to when I really like something, so all I can say is that you did a great job, and I really enjoyed reading. ^^
Thailijah - I apologize for my relentless advancing. Heaven knows Mr. Guitar Hero/Chinless Wonder will be jealous. ; ) Thank you, for your very generous compliment, Thaiest dear. =DDDDDD
-SELA
P.S.
AAAAAYYYYYY-men!
See all those reviews up there?
Bella is a whorish pig. Vampires feel no sympathy.
Thank you Sela, for your services as a writer. I hope we can go to the beach some time and roast Smores over this utter crap Meyer has written.
I would marry you if it weren't illegal. Actually I probably would not. I'm very flattered and all, but I appreciate your friendship more than your relentless advances.
To all those up there, Bella would act like that, such as people like that do. They flood the hallways of high schools everywhere and it makes me wonder if it had recently become a law not to parent your child and teach them morals and not to be so easy.
-Thailijah
Haha Nice!
This is 4 all the ppl out there who r TOTALLY obsessed with Twilight. Luv the ending !
x
Ha ha, good work, you got a lot of reviews for this one.... I say yes, keep writing. looking forward to hearing more. I know why you did this, I really want to write a twilight fan fiction as well, but i fear that I'll ruin my vision of the book. although, that's also
why I was reluctant to read this... but you did it well! Bravo!
That was some crap!!! I hated it im going to put my story on here and put urs to shame!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hahahahahhahahhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhaaaaahahahahaha!!!!!
Im not mean i just love writing!!!
Ouch. Edward mercilessly devouring Bella? Really, didn't see that coming.
But honestly now, I did used to be a die-hard Twilight fanatic. But after reading the series straight through about, oh say, five times, something seemed a bit... off. I started getting all critic-y on it. "Well, what if instead of masochistic, he was self-torturing? And what if Meyer did do a Hamlet ending instead of a Merchant of Venice ending?" Because isn't the death of everyone so much more interesting than an anti-climax.
All in all, Meyer's story wasn't very realistic, and I liked how you picked up on that. Edward's a predator. He would kill her. That's the reality.
But, however, you didn't pick up on Meyer's character-development of either him or Bella. Of course, Bella would have refused, and Edward would have fought it. It would have been more right (for lack of a better word) if it'd progressed more slowly, and if ultimately, Edward would have made a mistake. It would better befit their characters that way.
Oh, and by the way, I adore your avatar.
Thanks, y'all, for reviewing. It's nice to get replies, but I'm not really looking for critiques. This was just something to get my annoyance over the lame Twilight books out so I could continue writing other stuff. I do appreciate the comments, but if you really want to help, Riddled Choices and Indirect Biology could use some input. (Two of my other stories - they're in my portfolio).
So, yeah. See y'all around, yes? ^_^
-SELA
well, it was nice..
why dont you try writing something genuine?
instead of writing fanfiction, you can start something wonderful. it wa a great piece of work, only that..well..it's a fanfiction.
keep it up..
I really like it; I'm not a huge fan of Twilight, to be honest, and I enjoyed reading this.
It was interesting reading about an Edward with less will than in the book, although things moved a bit fast at the end, and you could show a bit more fear in Bella towards the end, when he changes from affectionate to killer.
You've really captured Stephenie Meyer's writing style, even though the characters were a bit off (but that's the beauty of fanfiction right there, isn't it?)
I think you should continue this, and make Edward's strength return to him instead of him just fully giving in to his instincts. Bella as a vampire from day one would make it very fun to read, especially since right now she doesn't really know what's going on, it being her first day at school and all.
All in all, it was really good and I'd like to see it continued. =) PM me if so.
heeey
twilight fanfics can get a bit tedious sometimes, cos they always seem to have happy endings and i'd like them to be a bit darker- i reckon i'm an evil vampire at heart haha!
this was really good, a nice change from the usual "everything works out in the end" stories, i agree with others that i didnt think the bella and edward in this were like bella and edward in twilight, but thats the whole point in fanfic, you can mix them up a bit!
i thought you did it was really well!
gold star for you
i liked it..but it wasn't the Bella and Edward of the book, especially Bella.
it went a bit too fast, especially at the end, i also think you should be more descriptive.
the story was just so weird!
however, i did like it, just keep practicing!
Hah. This was actually very funny, but I do have an odd sense of humour. Just a few things, though:
- I'd suggest a little bit more detail in the beginning about how Edward looks. He's supossed to be practically a god or an angel, and since he's obviously trying to lure Bella in she's probably fully blasted by his smouldering good looks.
- In one part you said 'wing' instead of 'wind.'
- I think it might have gone a bit too fast, espeically at the end. Add in a mix of fear with the rapture, I advise.
Now with the praise. :3
- I love the twist you put in here - what might have happened, and what probably would have happened. It's very creative, and was much more fun to read than I anticipated.
- You did a good job of capturing the way Stephenie writes - very clear, very precise. Well done. Honestly, I really loved this story, even though I'm not that obsessed with Twilight. Keep writing!
-Ari
Thanks. I really wanted to try this after I subjected myself to Twi. It was simply too tempting. And I'd been telling myself I would for quite some time before I finally got it into words. xD
Thanks again! ^_^ It's nice to have someone who likes my story, of course.
-SELA =D
Hey! I read your avatar the other day and checked out your portfolio. When I saw you had a Twilight fanfic, I couldn't help checking it out.
He opened the door, holding it for me with a quiet smile - mockingly? It was hard to tell.
I love this line. It's a nice little bit of dramatic irony - you just know instantly that something's wrong with this picture.
I loved saying 'we' instead of 'I', as if the two of us were part of the same club.
Interesting comparison.
I took his hand, not caring much that it was cold and hard - muscles and a cold day could cause that, right? I assured myself it was nothing out of the ordinary.
I like how she has to keep convincing herself that nothing's wrong. It's kind of creepy.
"... As if that wasn't enough, she took away my favorite CD! Debussy, if I still remember right."
Of all things to be distracted by, this did it. He looked up, surprised, his intense eyes interested in the ending of this completely random story that had popped into my mind from a few years ago. Relief flooded through me, and I shrugged.
This is great. You totally twisted this around. Instead of the "Ooh, this is interesting," thing that I felt when I read about that in Twilight, I was like, "Eww. Why is he so interested?"
"Well, now that we've seen the meadow," -- and even now, being included in that 'we' seemed pleasurable -- "shouldn't we be getting back? Not that I haven't enjoyed this... adventure, but--"
That's just insane. Brilliant, but insane. She's about to become human Kool-Aid and here she is talking about how nice it is to use the word "we".
His mouth lowered back to my neck, and I took one last breath as he answered for me, as his fangs sank deep into my throat.
I think I actually squirmed when I read this. Ick.
Nicely done. This is like the realist version of Twilight. You emulated Meyer's voice perfectly. I liked this a lot.
~Evenstar
Haha, wow. That was an interesting twist - kind of funny to see how different the series could have been if Edward was just a little less strong-willed. It would have been a lot shorter, that's for sure.
Anyway, really good job on your style - you've done well on sounding just like Stephenie Meyer when you wrote.
Um... little nitpick here, but Edward never calls Bella "Bells." That's Jacob's thing. Yeah, call me obsessive. That's really the only thing I noticed.
Overall I would say... YES! Definitely become a vampire! Let Edward pull back at the last second so she's still alive, and then she gets transformed. YAY!
Anyway, this was fun. Are you continuing at all? Pm me if so!
Yours ever,
Kool
Well, I thought this was okay but since I've read Twilight I'm a little upset. This ending was albeit creative and interesting nonetheless. Although, I think everything went by too fast. Since this is your own take on the beloved book, I think you should go the whole nine yards. Why would Bella automatically go with Edward alone? Other than the obvious reason. All in all, I liked this, so keep writing. PM me if and when you write more.
-Angel
This was quite good. I liked the twist at the end about Edward being a vampire!
One thing I couldn't figure out was who Charlie is. I think this could be improved if you add a bit about him in, because I don't think your story mentioned him? ( or her. if Charlie is a Charlotte?)
It was also a bit uneven- some parts would sound slow, some would sound fast. I do think that if you worked on this, i would love to read some more of it! ( if there is any more).
Keep it up!
x